Japan

Looking at my pictures when i was in japan so nostalgic.
I can see how happy i was back then.
Perhaps my happiness is right there.
So i am going to search one more time.
Dear God, if this is the sign of Your answer to me.
Please help me to strengthen my will that i really wanted to go there again.
I want to go there again.
Thank You.

I am getting sucks in managing my life

I think i really need to think really carefully of every steps and decission i take for my life.

I hv been playing my life too long and too far.

But witt this experience its a good thing for me to realise that i am not that kind of person.
And i am so glad that i have no interest in doing such things.

I want to put things all together now.

First my decission of my future.
Yes i am going to say yessss for japan.
I hope the path to go there will go smoothly as expected.

And then i want to fix my job.
Its been too long i abandoned my responsibilities.
I feel like i no longer who i am recently.

I guess thats because i am just too tired with my job.
Piles of workss. Undone business

*sigh* i am so going to fix everything from today on.

First thing first. I am going to clean my room and change my bed sheet.
And i am going to make it in real quick and neat.

I have to be who i really am. Who loves neat and clean.

Today i am going to start to become a good person.

And i am going to pray as i should do.

I have to finish all the books i planned to read.

And i am going to be serious of what i am doing from now on.

Next week i will hv my leave and i am going to show my little sister that i love her so much and i want her to see me as her real sister and the good one.

I am going to be Me again.

Happy sunday! !

I am busy but i cant work

Loads and piles of works are waiting for ne on my desk.
And i still couldnt figure out of what to be done first.
Damn i am so reaching my limit.

Mooo genkai desu.

Konna shigoto mo yarita kunai yoooooo.

Yameta hooga ii desuyoooo.

Yamechao kaaaaa

I am a looser

Yeppp i guess i am a looser
Who doesnt deserve this life.
Its such a waste of life.
I am a total looser and total failure.
Nobody stopping me from being a looser and total failure.
I have to help myself.
But i am too tired of helping myself out.
I want somebody to help me out

Please somebody stop me from hating myself.
Because thats how i feel right now.
I hate and disgussed myself to the bone.
I feel sorry for my parents for having such a hard time to have me to this world.

All i want to do is to end this.

I want to end this.

I want to end this.

End this.

My pray

Aku lupa doa pagi ini
Bahkan udah ga pernah berdoa barangkali.
Well gua emang lagi males bgt solat belakangan ini.
Tapi paling enggak gua berdoa atas apa yg gua inginkan.
Brengsek bgt ya gua. Hehe.
Gua msh punya beberapa pending works
Yang gua pengen selesaikan hari ini juga.
No more delay!!!!!

Smoga semua pekerjaan hari ini bisa selesai sesuai dgn harapan gua. Amiiiiiin.

Bismillah.

Job

This is bad i keep telling myself that i hate my job and i should quit it before its too late.
What am i suppose to do?
Should i listen to my head or heart?

This so random. Though its in the middle of the sat night.

How i wish i am a fish in the ocean

I hate my work soooooo much.
I want to quit my job.
But can i be the most selfish person in the whole wide world?
Will i be able to do that?

I want to change my career. What i am doing now it isnt a career. Its just a job, a daily routine. Its a boring life.

What makes me happy?
1. Watching the big blue skies
2. Watching the greeny forest
3. Watching the big deep blue ocean
4. Exploring this universe
5. Capturing every beautiful moment
6. See my mom happy
7. See my dad happy
8. See my big sister and her family happy
9. See my younger sister happy
10. See my younger brother happy
11. Enjoying bird chirping

I am so going to quit my job. Am I?

I am a freak

I guess i am getting drowning with piles of works.
I am a freak who spent the weekend at the office.
As if i dont have a life.

Why cant i living my dream, i have always been a big dreamer.
I always dream big
But i never living in it.
What exactly wrong with me?

I am a freak that i can put myself into.

I hate my job.
But i cant leave it

If i leave it, i will not afford to dive, or paying my brother`s school fee and monthly allowance
And i cant watch bbc knowledge or discovery or nat geo or nhk, my faves tv program.
And i vant pay the electricity billing.

Damn it. To whom should i blame my life with?

I just cant afford this life any longer.

All inside me is angers.

Why am i always feel unhappy? Unsatisfied?

I try not to hate my life.
There are more suffer life than i do have now.

What do i have to do to make me realise it?

I am doomed.

Pekerjaan yg ga ada habis nya

Hari ini gua harus belanja batik utk keperluan acara kantor.
Di pasaraya, byk pilihan tapi ga ada yg gua cari.
Gua mencari batik seragam.
Yg pake cowok cewek org nya udh dewasa semua.
Jadi gua hrs cari model dan motif yg bener dgn harga yg masuk budget pastinya.
Di tn abang, udah 2x gua kesana dan model batik2 nya cuma gitu2 aja.
Bosenin batik nya. Meski bagus2 aja.
Apalagi harga nya jauh lebih murce.
Tapi kualitas gua ga yakin deh.

Anyway skrg gua hrs ke keris galery yg di menteng utk liat2 dan lgsg beli.

Numb

Lately i feel numb
I cant feel anything and everything like i used to feel
There is no more exciting lebaran
There is no more exciting ramadhan
Why am is so this cursed?
What kind of person had i become now?
I no longer live my life.
What kind of excitement i should go through to get rid of this numbnes?
Maybe God is punishing me now.
I always feel like i am the worse human being at the moment.
I can't see where i am going.
I dont see any light on where i am walking my life now.
There is only two things i probably think that still exciting me i guess. . . . .
Listening to japanesse songs, watching japanesse movie/drama and off course DIVING.
But why is it so hard to do it lately.
I hate myself the most when i am doing what i hate the most, kaisha de hataraiteimasu no koto ichiban daikirai desyo.
I want to feel i am living my life again.
Why am i always feel this kind of bored?
Why am i so easily get bored with everything and anything.
Saiyaku. . . . . .

Pe-er-je 2012

What i can say about this year PRJ are:
* bad parking space and arrangement and we have to pay Rp15,000- for the parking fee
* we must pay Rp20,000- on the weekdays and Rp25,000- on the weekend
* we have to quuee in the long line to enter, and some well educated people were sneaked in on the quueee w/o feeling guilty.
* too crowd inside and way too noisy
* only one hall attracted me, the hall where all indonesian food are.

Over all its a celebration place for jakarta's anniversary but we jakartians are so difficult to enjoy it.
What a shame.

my few days left at the current office

hmmph.. this morning journey surely reminds me of how I really want to leave my current office.
the traffic jammed, the sun heat, the annoying buzzing vehicle all around me.

I am sweating all over my jacket, and I feel like I've been rapped by the cruelty street of Jakarta.

>.<
ato sukoshi dake... gamanshite kudasai !!!

GANBARIMASU !!!

My 2012 Resolution

Okey....
so here we go...

Here are some of the things I want to achieve this year:
1. Buy my own dive computer, brand Suntoo for sure
2. Buy underwater housing for my DSLR (for D100 or D90) 
3. Dive in Sulawesi ( WaKaToBi or Bunaken)
4. Dive in Pulau Weh
5. Just vacation in Bangka Belitung
6. If possible, work out of town, Makkasar or Bali hehe... (this will need so many approval from everybody)

This list is quite challenging !!! I wanna working on it !!! I CAN DO IT !!! 

End Year trip to Bali - 2011

I was finally went on a trip and again, it was alone...
but as usual along the way I always meeting with so many interesting and amazing people...

I was suppose to have more time with a friend, because when I planned this trip. My friend has confirmed to me that she would take the advance open water course in Bali, together with me. But yet, she canceled it in the last minute.

But its still fine for me, as I have so much time enjoying myself between the nature and people surrounding me.

So here some stories that I could hardly remember from my trip.

I touched down Denpasar on the 20th of December.when arrived the weather was so nice, even though we had some small turbulence on the landing. but everything change suddenly when the airplane touch the ground.
it was hot sunny day in Bali.
so I walk outside the airport, the airport seems to be totally different now. the last time I went there was in March. Now they renovate the airport building to be a better international airport *hopefully*.
I was kinda confuse for a moment, I dont understand between amaze and dissapointment.
because it gave me a long walk to get away from the busyness of the airport.

after I get to outside, I was sweating all over my body. and fortunately I found blue bird taxi right out side the airport. so jumped in the taxi, and it took me to Niko hotel in Nusa Dua.

I stayed with my sister and her family in Niko Hotel in Nusa Dua for 2 days. it was fun.
I took some pictures of my little nephew and niece there. it was a really nice hotel.

after 2 days having a luxurious life, the day has come to explore more in to Bali.
I went out to have my Advanced Open Water license with Bali Breizh.
My instructure is a French guy, and his name is Guy (read Gi). He is a BIG guy.
so we went with another guy, he is also a French guy, I couldnt even remember his name, because he couldnt speak english or bahasa. so its really difficult to have a conversation with him.
during the trip, I felt totally like an alien. because they both speak the language I dont understand, and I must be comes from other planet who dont understand what they were talking about. so 2 against 1, I was in a total lost. haha...

I was a bit dissapointed because, my plan for the AOW class would be: drift dive, night dive, navigation, deep dive, and photography.
but it ended up with: fish identification (which is so not important), wreck dive, night dive, deep dive and navigation. so I missed important course such as photography.
Guy was not even offer me to choose my course... *sad*

but well, it was still ok.

Day 1, Tulamben
The first dive went GOOD, with total bottom time for 59 minutes, deepest on 19m. it was cool.. because there were so much life there.
The second dive was AMAZING, we went on the wrecked ship, and I get the chance to get inside it. it was an amazing experienced I ever had in my life.the wrecked was so full of life !!!
I get the chance to swim with a group of Jack fishes, there were like thousands of them, or maybe hundreds I am nut sure, but I believe there were a lot of them by that time.
the total bottom time was 42 minutes, with deep 23 m.
it was AMAZING,

I will continue again later on... I need to get ready now to leave the house with my guest.

my host experienced

ok so... my friend told me I am being an angel to my guest.
I cant help it, its just me.
I am always trying my best to makes people around me feel comfortable.
so thats what I do... I think I can make it good in hospitality business.

so I was a host for a few days last week to someone whom I know from my Bali trip.
We had such a good time in Bali together with other Couchsurfer.
I let him stayed at my home in consideration that I already know him in Bali, and that I understand that he wont do any harm to me or my family, because I know he is basically a good person.

God... I cant do this.. I cant write it down my dissapointment. this is just not me, I cant complain.
because I made this situation.

ok I have to write it down. I am so dissapointed.
it seems like he doesnt enjoy his time with me, which i dont care.
i try my best to help him in anyway because i realise he is a stranger in a strange city.
i know how he feel, when you lost and need some help.
so helped him bought his ticket, for his next destination after Jakarta.
with a lot of effort, time and money consumed, not to mention the difficulties because of the rain and the traffic jammed in Jakarta.
anyway.... in the end he finally bought his ticket.

well actually, I guess I am fine with that. I mean I dont care anymore whether he wants to use the ticket that we bought with a lot of effort. its his call anyway. its just sucks for me !!

then again, there was this party in one of the couchsurfer's apartment in the central of Jakarta.
I tag him along with me to the party. he had fun, I had fun, we had our own way to satisfied our self at the party.
then he seems like he doing good at the party, and he enjoyed it so much. so i let him stayed there for the night.
ok before that happened, we went through alot of things before getting to the party.
we went to the wrong apartment building, waited too long for the elevator.
after we get to the right building, it turns up the tower is on the other side.
so we had to walk far to the right tower.
sadly, I had to park my bike too far :(

then it was almost 2 oclock in the morning, I felt tired and need to go home, since I found out he still enjoy the party so much, so I let him stay there.
but I was dissapointed, yet he knows that I parked my bike so far, and I will be walking alone and driving alone home. he didnt even care and didnt even bother to offer his companion to the parking lot or even text me a message saying drive safely or let me know when u get home safely.
well I dont expect too much, but that what would a gentlemen  do right?
even though we dont have such a relationship. even all my friends not only guys, they will be worried. I am a girl walking far to the parking lot, and driving alone at 2 am in Jakarta from central to south.
who wouldnt be worried???
I was scared a bit, I was so pissed to him of his carelessness.
I dont blame him, but I was so dissapointed with him.
thank God, there was Chucky and Juan Carlos willing to give me a company to the parking lot.
Thank you Chucky & Juan !!!

from then, in the morning, he finally send me a text asking how am i doing, and he will be looking forward to come back home and have a good rest.
then suddenly I found a news that the road to his next destination has been shut due to some flooding.
I was trying my best to keep him up to date about the situation. several phone calls, several text message. no reply from him. and afterwards there was this short text messages telling that he changed his plan, that he would stay a little bit longer at the apartment and he would come to my place to get his things.
so I answered OK and asked him to letting me know when he would take his things, because I got something else to do, and wont be able to meet him around.

so then, another text message came, he asked me whether I want to join him for a karaoke with the others, I told him I cant.
then he said, he really want to see me again before he is leaving, and he would do anything to do that.
then I said OK, I named the place and time, he said he tried. and suddenly he changed again.
aargghh this guy really sucks !!!
but finally he was coming to my house, and we meet up each other there, and he brought my friend too to accompany him.

he is always looking for some caring and babysit wherever he goes.
such a cry baby !!!

i am sick and tired of being an angel all the time. I know its just me, I just need to give some space for myself.

*sigh* *deepbreath*
i am cool now....

and now I just dont need more shit going on today !!!

Blown me away Monday !!!

I want to go to Africa

I love natures beauties ....
and after watching the great rift on bbc knowledge yesterday.
now I have another mission in my life.
After I see Indonesia, I want to see Africa !!!
I will go there someday !!!
Yes I will !!!